1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,195
Let us begin.

2
00:00:04,555 --> 00:00:06,630
Get some placards and paint
and phone Rent A Mob.

3
00:00:06,755 --> 00:00:08,670
We're not going down without a fight.

4
00:00:08,795 --> 00:00:10,990
I need you to tell me where Richie is.

5
00:00:11,115 --> 00:00:12,678
I won't do it.

6
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:15,032
We pass you to him, we pass him to you.

7
00:00:15,158 --> 00:00:17,709
We pass you to him, we pass him to you.

8
00:00:17,835 --> 00:00:21,402
History will not be repeated.

9
00:00:23,575 --> 00:00:26,815
In this house, we don't die.

10
00:00:29,795 --> 00:00:33,910
There are many theories surrounding
the abduction of the journalist

11
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:35,750
and the council worker

12
00:00:35,875 --> 00:00:38,830
and speculation still surrounds
the motive.

13
00:00:38,993 --> 00:00:40,510
Disturbing scenes there.

14
00:00:40,635 --> 00:00:42,290
And what exactly does he mean
when he says

15
00:00:42,415 --> 00:00:45,230
"We are a local shop for local people?"

16
00:00:45,355 --> 00:00:48,590
Is he implying we're unwilling to
trade with other territories...?

17
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,430
No, no, it's the exact opposite,

18
00:00:50,555 --> 00:00:54,230
he's saying we've had enough of what
he calls "petty meddling."

19
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,807
We own a shop, a good shop...

20
00:00:55,933 --> 00:00:57,471
..a shop we should be
proud of,

21
00:00:57,597 --> 00:01:00,596
and I, for one, am sick of people
trying to talk our country down...

22
00:01:00,722 --> 00:01:04,216
Poppycock.
Piping words into my mouth.

23
00:01:04,435 --> 00:01:06,975
Now, apparently the Daily Mail
want to speak to us.

24
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,450
That's just a phoner...
And then they want us

25
00:01:09,576 --> 00:01:11,470
on the Andrew Marr show on Sunday
morning...

26
00:01:11,595 --> 00:01:14,390
No screens at the table, Tubbs.
You know what I said!

27
00:01:14,515 --> 00:01:17,377
- You're becoming addicted.
- One sec, just update my Insta...

28
00:01:17,503 --> 00:01:18,875
No!
Give it to me.

29
00:01:22,155 --> 00:01:24,825
We are local news for local people.

30
00:01:25,448 --> 00:01:29,206
We are of no interest to the
outside world.

31
00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:34,559
The siege is entering it's second
day in the town of Royston Vasey...

32
00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:53,404
Synced and corrected by minouhse
<font color="

33
00:01:53,529 --> 00:01:57,161
_

34
00:01:58,603 --> 00:02:00,031
No comment!

35
00:02:04,835 --> 00:02:06,197
Leave me alone!

36
00:02:15,125 --> 00:02:18,233
_

37
00:02:26,006 --> 00:02:28,960
_

38
00:02:32,188 --> 00:02:33,625
_

39
00:02:35,413 --> 00:02:37,657
Another communication from the police.

40
00:02:37,955 --> 00:02:40,635
They're worried we're
mistreating the hostages...

41
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,070
We're not mistreating you, are we?

42
00:02:44,195 --> 00:02:46,190
I did a trumpet on my one!

43
00:02:46,517 --> 00:02:47,757
Ooops!

44
00:02:49,635 --> 00:02:52,950
I know you're very angry about this
boundary change...

45
00:02:53,075 --> 00:02:54,910
How many more times -
we don't like change!

46
00:02:55,035 --> 00:02:57,200
If we had Apple Pay
we wouldn't need change!

47
00:02:57,326 --> 00:02:58,270
Silence.

48
00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:01,870
I'm sure if you told the authorities
what your demands were,

49
00:03:01,995 --> 00:03:03,630
they would be willing to do a deal.

50
00:03:03,755 --> 00:03:05,121
Local authorities?

51
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:06,817
Yes.
I suppose so.

52
00:03:07,790 --> 00:03:09,200
Very well.

53
00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,070
Let's talk shop.

54
00:03:31,915 --> 00:03:33,675
Ooh!
Come on, you beggar.

55
00:03:37,022 --> 00:03:39,710
Yeah, I'll have that
mix for you by lunchtime tomorrow.

56
00:03:39,835 --> 00:03:41,990
I'll push the bass on it,
get it pumping.

57
00:03:42,233 --> 00:03:44,430
Yeah.
I'll catch you later.

58
00:03:44,826 --> 00:03:46,482
That's all done for you now, Mr Tim.

59
00:03:46,608 --> 00:03:49,260
Hey, no worries.
Call me Slim.

60
00:03:49,635 --> 00:03:52,955
That's what I was known as on the
Manchester Scene, back in the '90s.

61
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,442
You know anything about the music
business?

62
00:03:56,795 --> 00:03:58,857
No, not really.

63
00:03:59,053 --> 00:04:01,189
It's all about the polishing for me now.

64
00:04:02,497 --> 00:04:05,550
- Has to be.
- Not like it used to be, of course.

65
00:04:05,675 --> 00:04:08,587
I've got a million-pound
recording studio in here.

66
00:04:08,868 --> 00:04:10,743
Have you?
I saw you had an en-suite, but...

67
00:04:10,869 --> 00:04:14,624
No. All in here.
Amazing what they can do these days.

68
00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:18,647
Anyway, I'm wasting your time.
You've got floors to polish.

69
00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:20,655
No, no, no, no.
It's fascinating.

70
00:04:20,781 --> 00:04:22,630
I remember what things used to be like,

71
00:04:22,755 --> 00:04:25,547
patchbays full of cables
like spaghetti.

72
00:04:26,296 --> 00:04:28,810
- You were in a band?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

73
00:04:29,115 --> 00:04:31,830
We didn't do too bad.
Pub scene, you know.

74
00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:35,541
The Whip next to City Varieties.
Did a bit of telly.

75
00:04:35,758 --> 00:04:39,101
Did the pilot of Get It Together
with Roy North and Olly the Owl.

76
00:04:39,227 --> 00:04:40,595
Non-broadcast, like.

77
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:44,663
I played on Mississippi by Pussycat.

78
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,280
Demo.

79
00:04:46,538 --> 00:04:50,189
We had our own outfit, Creme Brulee.
You might have heard of us?

80
00:04:50,315 --> 00:04:53,948
- No.
- No, no, I expect not.

81
00:04:54,418 --> 00:04:56,074
So you packed it all in, then?

82
00:04:56,605 --> 00:05:01,527
Yeah. I did have a go on my own,
but pipe dreams, you know.

83
00:05:02,629 --> 00:05:05,224
Well. I best get on, Mr Slim.

84
00:05:05,350 --> 00:05:07,710
I'll leave you me card in case
you want these doing again.

85
00:05:07,835 --> 00:05:11,413
They should be all right for a few
months, but they do tend to scuff...

86
00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:13,489
..over time.

87
00:05:13,615 --> 00:05:16,536
Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Good luck.

88
00:05:17,293 --> 00:05:19,716
- Les...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

89
00:05:40,282 --> 00:05:44,348
Growing up in Herzoslovakia in 1970s,
times were dark.

90
00:05:44,714 --> 00:05:48,469
We could only eat mice
and make love to our fathers.

91
00:05:48,595 --> 00:05:50,797
But there was one light in darkness.

92
00:05:50,923 --> 00:05:53,976
Sweet Suite by Leslie McQueen.

93
00:05:57,140 --> 00:06:00,960
_

94
00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:04,085
What are we fancying love?

95
00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:07,630
Um, probably have my usual calamari.

96
00:06:07,882 --> 00:06:09,110
I'm not that hungry, actually.

97
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,790
Probably just going to go for four
or five starters.

98
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:13,510
Oh, no...

99
00:06:13,714 --> 00:06:17,510
- What?
- Hey, Luigi! The party's here!

100
00:06:17,635 --> 00:06:20,667
Ah, my favourite signora.
You want to sit in the window?

101
00:06:20,793 --> 00:06:21,868
Yeah, all right.

102
00:06:21,994 --> 00:06:24,495
No, no, we want to be in the middle,
don't we, Scott?

103
00:06:24,628 --> 00:06:26,847
We don't get to come out very often.

104
00:06:26,973 --> 00:06:30,866
- Speaking of which, hello, Charlie!
- Stella.

105
00:06:31,136 --> 00:06:34,259
Would you like me to push the tables
together so you are one group?

106
00:06:34,385 --> 00:06:36,670
No, you're all right thanks, Luigi.

107
00:06:37,065 --> 00:06:38,790
We're not together any more.

108
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:42,252
- Look, why don't we get a takeaway?
- No, it's a free country.

109
00:06:42,378 --> 00:06:44,510
What's the point of having a toy-boy
if I can't show you off?

110
00:06:44,635 --> 00:06:45,875
Stop it!

111
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,894
I'm going for a fag.

112
00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:54,767
That's what you did, isn't it, Charlie?

113
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,430
Went for a fag.

114
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,870
- Are you going to let her speak to us like that?
- She's fine.

115
00:06:58,995 --> 00:07:01,550
It's not fine. Stand up to her.
Otherwise, you'll never move on.

116
00:07:01,675 --> 00:07:04,609
Yeah, all right, Gordon. You don't
have to shove it down my throat.

117
00:07:05,213 --> 00:07:06,603
I'm going for a ciggy, as well.

118
00:07:06,729 --> 00:07:08,350
Don't try and bum my boyfriend,
will you?

119
00:07:08,475 --> 00:07:11,540
Why not? He might enjoy it.
Your last one did.

120
00:07:16,597 --> 00:07:17,821
I don't.

121
00:07:18,665 --> 00:07:21,954
- If anything, Gordon prefers...
- I don't want to hear it, Charlie.

122
00:07:24,635 --> 00:07:25,936
Listen, Stella,

123
00:07:27,103 --> 00:07:31,115
it's none of my business,
but the wheelchair, the black eye...

124
00:07:34,005 --> 00:07:35,376
Are you all right?

125
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,497
Luigi! Come and make me laugh
like you used to.

126
00:07:45,623 --> 00:07:48,413
- She's deflecting, Luigi.
- Can he not allow me to be happy, Luigi?

127
00:07:48,538 --> 00:07:51,110
- I never stopped loving her, Luigi.
- I only want to have fun, Luigi.

128
00:07:51,235 --> 00:07:52,790
Gordon never listens to me, Luigi.

129
00:07:52,915 --> 00:07:56,590
Scott's got a temper on him, Luigi.
He's put so much weight on, Luigi!

130
00:07:56,716 --> 00:07:58,366
I've got a slow metabolism, Luigi!

131
00:07:58,492 --> 00:08:00,617
- We're going now, Luigi.
- Don't let him take me, Luigi.

132
00:08:00,742 --> 00:08:03,593
- She can have hers in a doggy-bag, Luigi.
- I'm just a mouth to him, Luigi.

133
00:08:03,718 --> 00:08:05,178
I pretend it's Stella, Luigi.

134
00:08:05,304 --> 00:08:07,929
- I lie to the doctors, Luigi.
- My mother died young, Luigi.

135
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:09,405
I'm more lonely
when I'm with him, Luigi.

136
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:12,110
- I've confused love with food, Luigi.
- I'm so frightened, Luigi!

137
00:08:12,235 --> 00:08:14,443
- She can't make me hard, Luigi.
- Help us, Luigi!

138
00:08:14,569 --> 00:08:17,315
- What do we do, Luigi?
- How do we choose, Luigi?

139
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:21,867
Well...

140
00:08:21,993 --> 00:08:23,726
Have you looked at the Specials Board?

141
00:08:23,852 --> 00:08:27,211
- Oh, no, we haven't, actually!
- You never think to do that, do you?

142
00:08:41,675 --> 00:08:42,926
Excuse me, sir.

143
00:08:43,052 --> 00:08:45,752
We've done our homework.
Would you like an apple?

144
00:08:45,878 --> 00:08:48,207
I told you.
No Swot Team.

145
00:09:04,155 --> 00:09:05,510
You must be Edward?

146
00:09:05,635 --> 00:09:06,969
That's right.

147
00:09:07,443 --> 00:09:11,108
I'm Gareth Chapman, and I'm a
trained hostage negotiator.

148
00:09:12,395 --> 00:09:13,836
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

149
00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:20,330
- Right. Shall we just..
- Tubbs!

150
00:09:21,736 --> 00:09:23,023
OK.

151
00:09:24,016 --> 00:09:25,766
- Do you mind if I...
- Please.

152
00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:29,195
So, um...

153
00:09:29,321 --> 00:09:32,470
Why don't we start with you
telling me your opening position?

154
00:09:32,595 --> 00:09:35,614
On top with my eyes closed,
if it's any of your business.

155
00:09:38,137 --> 00:09:40,856
I know you've said that the hostages
aren't for sale at any price.

156
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:44,300
- This is a shop. Nothing is for sale!
- I appreciate that.

157
00:09:44,426 --> 00:09:46,270
I'm not here to butter you up
and then go behind your back.

158
00:09:46,395 --> 00:09:47,818
That's his opening position.

159
00:09:47,944 --> 00:09:49,152
Tubbs!

160
00:09:49,437 --> 00:09:51,908
Why don't you fix our guest a drink?

161
00:09:52,835 --> 00:09:54,366
Use a clean glass.

162
00:09:58,147 --> 00:10:00,867
Now, you must appreciate that
I can't negotiate

163
00:10:00,993 --> 00:10:04,516
without establishing whether Ellie
and Lindsey are safe and sound.

164
00:10:04,759 --> 00:10:08,062
He's using their names
so we see them as people

165
00:10:08,188 --> 00:10:09,851
rather than bargaining chips.

166
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:13,289
Very clever trick.
All in good time.

167
00:10:14,016 --> 00:10:15,258
Here.

168
00:10:16,211 --> 00:10:20,075
- Would you like a chocolate biscuit?
- No, I'm fine, thanks.

169
00:10:21,694 --> 00:10:24,226
I might just let that
cool down for a bit.

170
00:10:26,115 --> 00:10:28,828
I believe you're unhappy with
the shape of the county line?

171
00:10:28,954 --> 00:10:31,969
Oh, that's Edward.
He likes me to shave it all off.

172
00:10:32,795 --> 00:10:36,769
But moving the boundary could be
good for your new town.

173
00:10:38,035 --> 00:10:41,750
Bring new business investment,
more diversity, more customers.

174
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,175
No!

175
00:10:43,638 --> 00:10:47,586
For the final time, this is a local
shop for local people!

176
00:10:47,835 --> 00:10:51,077
- There's nothing for strangers here.
- All right, OK.

177
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:55,731
I thought it might come to this.

178
00:10:56,349 --> 00:10:58,026
Can I borrow your phone?

179
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:01,281
It's only got 32%!

180
00:11:01,554 --> 00:11:02,787
Oh, all right.

181
00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,272
Yeah, this is the Tin Man.
Can I speak to Dorothy?

182
00:11:11,230 --> 00:11:12,430
Just do it!

183
00:11:14,431 --> 00:11:15,751
Thank you.

184
00:11:16,912 --> 00:11:18,392
Mr Tattsyrup...

185
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,911
I have the Prime Minister
on the phone for you.

186
00:11:43,315 --> 00:11:46,904
Yes, that's right,
we make everything on site.

187
00:11:48,435 --> 00:11:49,653
Uh-huh.

188
00:11:51,372 --> 00:11:52,602
Yeah, no problem.

189
00:11:52,728 --> 00:11:54,728
_

190
00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:01,532
I'll have them
for you by the end of the day.

191
00:12:05,435 --> 00:12:08,263
- Can I help you?
- I hope so, Richie.

192
00:12:09,555 --> 00:12:11,355
I hope so.

193
00:12:21,132 --> 00:12:23,280
That's right - walk this way.

194
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:25,754
Slowly.
Slowly.

195
00:12:26,541 --> 00:12:27,841
Slowly.

196
00:12:28,854 --> 00:12:32,070
Where have I been? So dark.
So murky.

197
00:12:32,195 --> 00:12:34,550
You've been a very, very long
way away from us,

198
00:12:34,675 --> 00:12:36,351
but now you're back.

199
00:12:36,915 --> 00:12:39,047
The clouds are clearing, Valerie.

200
00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:41,803
The clouds are clearing.

201
00:12:43,755 --> 00:12:46,868
But what is this mess?

202
00:12:47,675 --> 00:12:50,510
Things have just got a little
out of hand, that's all.

203
00:12:50,635 --> 00:12:54,296
A Toilet Duck! I thought
I'd banned such things from here.

204
00:12:54,422 --> 00:12:58,148
This item trivialises
the importance of water-closet care.

205
00:12:58,274 --> 00:13:00,573
Who could tolerate such a jovial
approach

206
00:13:00,699 --> 00:13:03,430
to the maintenance and cleanliness
of the lavatory pan?

207
00:13:03,555 --> 00:13:05,649
I know, Harvey.
But it's just it's so much easier

208
00:13:05,774 --> 00:13:07,180
than using table salt and a toothbrush.

209
00:13:07,305 --> 00:13:10,948
A toilet is no place for a duck!

210
00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:12,671
Harvey, please...
I...

211
00:13:12,753 --> 00:13:15,413
What next in this descent?

212
00:13:17,978 --> 00:13:19,205
A lavatory brush?

213
00:13:19,658 --> 00:13:22,704
The tool of Satan himself.
But how do we clean the brush?

214
00:13:22,830 --> 00:13:25,431
Put it in the sink?
But the sink is used for washing hands.

215
00:13:25,557 --> 00:13:26,950
Nothing will ever be clean again!

216
00:13:27,075 --> 00:13:30,510
An endless cycle of foulness
and feculence. Gloves!

217
00:13:30,635 --> 00:13:31,977
I must have gloves!

218
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,916
Grrr!
Look at this mess!

219
00:13:35,042 --> 00:13:38,030
- Abomination!
- Oh, girls. What have we done?

220
00:13:38,155 --> 00:13:39,892
A spoon in the knife drawer!

221
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,011
Hey, Murray, have you seen these?

222
00:13:43,785 --> 00:13:45,511
They're selling them everywhere.

223
00:13:49,998 --> 00:13:51,713
What's going on?

224
00:13:51,877 --> 00:13:54,830
I thought the tide had turned,
the people are on our side?

225
00:13:54,956 --> 00:13:56,591
Someone from County Hall rang.

226
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,642
Seems the reason for this boundary
change

227
00:13:58,768 --> 00:14:01,185
is because the land's been sold for
fracking.

228
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:04,389
Is that where they all
watch each other in cars?

229
00:14:04,514 --> 00:14:08,516
No, it's heavy drilling,
but not the kind you mean.

230
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:10,590
Seems they didn't want to bother

231
00:14:10,715 --> 00:14:12,657
with the rigmarole of public
consultations.

232
00:14:12,783 --> 00:14:15,790
Easier just to let the town
disappear with a bit of paperwork.

233
00:14:15,915 --> 00:14:18,359
What daft twat signed that?

234
00:14:20,674 --> 00:14:21,895
You did.

235
00:14:43,087 --> 00:14:45,792
_

236
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,970
_

237
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:53,142
_

238
00:15:07,787 --> 00:15:10,790
Whatever happened to man
Les McQueen? Rumours abound.

239
00:15:10,915 --> 00:15:14,670
He shot dead by authorities
for inspiring revolutionary fervour.

240
00:15:14,795 --> 00:15:17,812
He stabbed with poisoned
umbrella like Georgy Markov.

241
00:15:17,938 --> 00:15:20,950
He grow fat
and die on toilet like Elvis

242
00:15:21,075 --> 00:15:23,310
but public toilet in Todmorden.

243
00:15:23,435 --> 00:15:24,989
Not like Elvis.

244
00:15:25,115 --> 00:15:27,550
Where is Les McQueen now?

245
00:15:27,795 --> 00:15:31,268
If he were to be found,
he would be world famous,

246
00:15:31,489 --> 00:15:35,824
or quite famous in Herzoslovakia,
which is better than nothing.

247
00:15:36,264 --> 00:15:38,064
Oh, Leslie McQueen.

248
00:15:40,915 --> 00:15:42,776
Hey...

249
00:15:43,030 --> 00:15:45,825
So you see, Les, the offer's there.

250
00:15:46,115 --> 00:15:48,190
I know the right people.

251
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,550
Just sign on the line that is dotted.

252
00:15:50,675 --> 00:15:52,960
It's all so overwhelming, Mr Slim Tim.

253
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,310
We could a get a top backing
band together.

254
00:15:55,435 --> 00:15:58,562
Ray Stiles from Mud.
I used to know his driving instructor.

255
00:15:58,688 --> 00:16:01,566
And then there's...
Oh, no. Yewtree.

256
00:16:01,692 --> 00:16:05,378
Les. Les, this is all about you.
Forget the others, forget the band.

257
00:16:05,504 --> 00:16:07,137
- This is Les McGann.
- McQueen.

258
00:16:07,263 --> 00:16:10,355
McQueen!
The hero returns.

259
00:16:10,871 --> 00:16:12,996
All your troubles taken care of.

260
00:16:13,130 --> 00:16:14,980
All your dreams come true.

261
00:16:15,106 --> 00:16:18,238
You've seen the news. This town is
going down the pan anyway, probably.

262
00:16:18,364 --> 00:16:19,871
Oh, yeah, yeah.

263
00:16:24,875 --> 00:16:26,350
Do you know what?

264
00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:30,819
On reflection, I don't think so,
Mr Slim.

265
00:16:33,555 --> 00:16:35,014
It is a shit business.

266
00:16:36,355 --> 00:16:38,310
The thing about polishing,

267
00:16:38,435 --> 00:16:41,559
you know where you stand, on a floor.

268
00:16:42,315 --> 00:16:43,783
A polished floor.

269
00:16:43,909 --> 00:16:47,176
It's dependable.
It's not a fantasy.

270
00:16:47,831 --> 00:16:49,123
I mean, they do get slippy,

271
00:16:49,249 --> 00:16:51,971
and you must never put a rug on them
afterwards. But...

272
00:16:53,226 --> 00:16:54,803
It's solid.

273
00:16:57,145 --> 00:16:58,345
Thanks all the same.

274
00:17:01,932 --> 00:17:03,513
Well, if you're sure.

275
00:17:06,555 --> 00:17:07,960
I'll see myself out.

276
00:17:11,477 --> 00:17:14,685
On your knees, Richie.
On your knees!

277
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,151
When I had to go
away on my little holiday,

278
00:17:19,596 --> 00:17:21,823
what was the business I entrust to you?

279
00:17:22,315 --> 00:17:23,774
- Key cutting.
- What's that?

280
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:27,755
- Key cutting business.
- That's right. Key cutting business.

281
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,479
A key cutter cuts keys.

282
00:17:30,605 --> 00:17:32,198
Maybe, just maybe,

283
00:17:33,081 --> 00:17:35,492
he repairs shoes as well.

284
00:17:37,106 --> 00:17:40,025
But when he starts dealing in tankards,

285
00:17:40,151 --> 00:17:44,230
in trophies, in cake slices...
Why not sell anything?

286
00:17:44,493 --> 00:17:47,946
Why not sell big craps in boxes?

287
00:17:48,156 --> 00:17:51,664
- It was just an idea.
- An idea that make me bankrupt!

288
00:17:54,805 --> 00:17:57,312
Well, Pop has ideas too, you know.

289
00:17:59,029 --> 00:18:03,342
You do me in the ass.
I do you in the ass.

290
00:18:05,195 --> 00:18:07,813
We're going to see how many
Piri-Piri olives

291
00:18:07,939 --> 00:18:10,365
can fit in one man's shit pipe.

292
00:18:13,275 --> 00:18:14,830
Your shit pipe.

293
00:18:17,084 --> 00:18:21,435
And we're not going to stop until
the whole stinking jar is empty.

294
00:18:28,622 --> 00:18:29,886
Oh!

295
00:18:30,059 --> 00:18:33,190
But you'd better leave some room up
there for dessert, Richie...

296
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:38,830
- Not...
- Yes, nine Maverick bars.

297
00:18:38,955 --> 00:18:40,586
But, Pop, they don't do Mavericks
any more.

298
00:18:40,711 --> 00:18:41,911
Is OK.

299
00:18:43,417 --> 00:18:45,199
I brought Picnics.

300
00:19:00,501 --> 00:19:03,259
Really extraordinary scenes here, Jon.

301
00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:05,141
We've just heard that
the Prime Minister

302
00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:08,790
has reversed the decision
to alter the boundary lines.

303
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,070
This means that the town

304
00:19:10,195 --> 00:19:13,423
of Royston Vasey has essentially
been saved by this couple

305
00:19:13,549 --> 00:19:17,310
and they're just coming out now...
Mr and Mrs Tattsyrup, BBC News.

306
00:19:17,435 --> 00:19:19,190
You must be delighted
with this decision?

307
00:19:19,315 --> 00:19:22,659
Absolutely.
This is a victory for common sense.

308
00:19:22,785 --> 00:19:26,464
Our father raised us to stand
up to the school-yard bully,

309
00:19:26,590 --> 00:19:28,464
and that's what we've done here.

310
00:19:29,675 --> 00:19:33,604
And Mrs Tattsyrup, you've really managed
to put Royston Vasey on the map.

311
00:19:34,155 --> 00:19:35,813
- Map!
- Yes.

312
00:19:35,939 --> 00:19:38,310
And your actions have inspired
a lot of people here,

313
00:19:38,435 --> 00:19:40,172
so do you have a message for them?

314
00:19:40,407 --> 00:19:45,106
I'd like to thank the Academy
and everyone who voted for me.

315
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:47,120
There's the bedroom.

316
00:19:47,246 --> 00:19:50,110
There has been some criticism
over your taking of hostages

317
00:19:50,235 --> 00:19:52,231
to get your message
through to the government.

318
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:53,670
How would you respond to that?

319
00:19:53,795 --> 00:19:55,190
Well, I used to be in a war...

320
00:19:55,315 --> 00:19:57,510
Lindsey!
Can you hear me?

321
00:19:57,635 --> 00:20:01,503
And one thing you learn is that the
end justifies the means.

322
00:20:03,089 --> 00:20:06,729
You can't make an omelette without
breaking a few eggs.

323
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:16,022
- And what do you mean by that?
- We didn't cut their faces off!

324
00:20:18,813 --> 00:20:20,013
Oh, Christ...

325
00:20:22,195 --> 00:20:24,513
Strangers are not welcome here.

326
00:20:25,832 --> 00:20:28,432
This is a local town for local people!

327
00:20:29,715 --> 00:20:31,843
A local country for local people!

328
00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:36,285
And the will of local people
will prevail!

329
00:20:37,438 --> 00:20:40,387
Stop them!
Don't let them get away!

330
00:20:41,602 --> 00:20:43,522
Thank you.
We must leave now.

331
00:20:46,113 --> 00:20:48,675
Is there any way you can get me
on Strictly?

332
00:20:53,475 --> 00:20:55,729
Stop them!
Stop them!

333
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,511
Guards! Stop them!

334
00:21:06,755 --> 00:21:08,395
Let that be a lesson to you.

335
00:21:10,553 --> 00:21:14,390
You ruin everything you touch
with your high-minded dreams.

336
00:21:14,515 --> 00:21:17,236
Your head always in the clouds.

337
00:21:17,362 --> 00:21:20,735
A fairy who loves fairy stories.

338
00:21:22,235 --> 00:21:23,435
Yes, Pop.

339
00:21:24,134 --> 00:21:26,990
I've been away, but now I'm back.

340
00:21:27,115 --> 00:21:29,277
Back in your life forever.

341
00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:33,782
You see, Pop is supreme,
Pop is invincible!

342
00:21:34,195 --> 00:21:36,472
Pop can do anything.

343
00:21:37,492 --> 00:21:38,869
Is that right?

344
00:21:39,216 --> 00:21:40,687
Oh, look!

345
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:43,817
Your Mary-queen brother has come
to your rescue

346
00:21:43,943 --> 00:21:45,924
with his little dolly wife.

347
00:21:47,201 --> 00:21:51,146
If you're such a big man,
why do you need to do this to them?

348
00:21:51,381 --> 00:21:54,282
You're no man.
You're nothing.

349
00:21:54,555 --> 00:21:55,755
Nothing?

350
00:21:56,563 --> 00:21:59,868
A man who once ate
a live cat with chips.

351
00:22:00,719 --> 00:22:03,750
A man who once twist another man's
head off

352
00:22:03,875 --> 00:22:05,633
round the back of Halfords.

353
00:22:06,623 --> 00:22:09,903
A man who could kill you like that!

354
00:22:11,517 --> 00:22:13,832
I bet you couldn't fit inside this jar.

355
00:22:14,293 --> 00:22:15,530
What?!

356
00:22:16,086 --> 00:22:18,510
You said you could do anything.
Prove it.

357
00:22:18,635 --> 00:22:20,670
I don't have to prove myself to you.

358
00:22:20,795 --> 00:22:22,750
- So you can't?
- You dare doubt?

359
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:25,190
If I'm going to die,
I can dare anything.

360
00:22:25,549 --> 00:22:28,350
- And I say it's impossible.
- Impossible.

361
00:22:28,475 --> 00:22:30,830
- I don't believe you.
- Take care.

362
00:22:30,955 --> 00:22:32,360
- I never shall.
- Never?

363
00:22:32,486 --> 00:22:34,201
Nothing could make me.

364
00:22:35,196 --> 00:22:37,025
Unless I see it with my own eyes.

365
00:22:38,642 --> 00:22:41,741
Then, whore of an unbeliever,
before you die,

366
00:22:41,875 --> 00:22:45,071
you shall see that for Pop,
nothing is impossible.

367
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:48,432
You shall see and believe.

368
00:23:07,056 --> 00:23:11,316
No, Richie, no!
Not another thousand years...

369
00:23:11,442 --> 00:23:13,586
I got you!
I got you!

370
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,128
I got you!

371
00:23:15,254 --> 00:23:19,051
I got you!
I got you!

372
00:23:19,253 --> 00:23:22,774
I got you! I got you!
I got you! I got you!

373
00:23:51,636 --> 00:23:53,418
This can't go on, girls.

374
00:23:53,558 --> 00:23:56,910
We must somehow get Benjamin back.
Break the spell.

375
00:23:57,036 --> 00:24:00,051
Benjamin!
Why Benjamin?!

376
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:03,913
That agent of misrule.
That imp of the perverse.

377
00:24:04,039 --> 00:24:07,991
This name will not be
mentioned in this house!

378
00:24:11,452 --> 00:24:15,058
Who let Benjamin in this boy?

379
00:24:15,494 --> 00:24:17,120
But now he is a man?!

380
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:21,459
His hands are my hands.

381
00:24:22,076 --> 00:24:23,276
What is this?

382
00:24:23,729 --> 00:24:27,890
I'm speaking to Benjamin now.
Somewhere inside this.

383
00:24:28,248 --> 00:24:30,523
You must fight it.

384
00:24:30,796 --> 00:24:32,871
- Fight it!
- Where have these hands been?

385
00:24:33,075 --> 00:24:35,870
Even now I can feel them
constricted by a sock.

386
00:24:35,995 --> 00:24:39,707
A sock placed over a fist.
Itself placed over a male member,

387
00:24:39,833 --> 00:24:42,739
excited to the point
of making tummy pancakes,

388
00:24:42,865 --> 00:24:45,982
but into said sock.
And

389
00:24:47,544 --> 00:24:49,744
they are my hands!

390
00:24:50,388 --> 00:24:52,021
Expel him, Benjamin!

391
00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:54,760
End this folly!

392
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:19,758
What just happened?

393
00:25:40,955 --> 00:25:43,749
Look Edward,
we need to follow blue-dot!

394
00:25:45,538 --> 00:25:46,874
Oh, Murray,

395
00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:50,185
what have I done?

396
00:25:50,311 --> 00:25:52,553
You've turned our town
into a nameless piece of land

397
00:25:52,678 --> 00:25:55,310
that can be drilled
through like a rotten tooth.

398
00:25:55,435 --> 00:25:57,150
I thought they were just
laying some cable

399
00:25:57,275 --> 00:25:59,431
and we'd finally be getting broadband.

400
00:26:00,052 --> 00:26:01,968
I didn't know it would come to this.

401
00:26:03,625 --> 00:26:06,862
Well, I hope they paid you well,
whoever they are.

402
00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:09,559
He didn't pay me a penny.

403
00:26:10,155 --> 00:26:11,644
Why did you do it then?

404
00:26:12,995 --> 00:26:14,579
I had no choice.

405
00:26:16,035 --> 00:26:17,577
He made me.

406
00:26:24,035 --> 00:26:25,235
Argh!

407
00:26:26,175 --> 00:26:27,738
A stitch!

408
00:26:32,795 --> 00:26:34,730
Quickly, Tubbs, in here.

409
00:26:38,071 --> 00:26:40,352
Do we need a pissport to go to London?

410
00:26:40,675 --> 00:26:41,975
Quiet!

411
00:26:54,117 --> 00:26:55,758
All clear, Tubbs.

412
00:27:07,603 --> 00:27:08,803
Tubbs!

413
00:27:11,519 --> 00:27:12,879
Tubbs!

414
00:27:26,179 --> 00:27:27,859
Where am I?

415
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:32,955
Is this Swansea?

416
00:27:44,171 --> 00:27:47,937
Who are you?
What is this place?

417
00:27:50,875 --> 00:27:53,573
It's a wife-mine now.

418
00:28:00,532 --> 00:28:02,438
Please, please.

419
00:28:03,430 --> 00:28:07,727
Please.
Someone!

420
00:28:18,475 --> 00:28:20,115
Sorry, mate.

421
00:28:22,106 --> 00:28:23,630
- Excuse me.
- Hello, mate.

422
00:28:23,895 --> 00:28:25,716
Does this train stop at the airport?

423
00:28:25,865 --> 00:28:27,334
I need to catch a flight...

424
00:28:28,089 --> 00:28:29,709
to Herzlovakia.

425
00:28:39,355 --> 00:28:40,555
Well...

426
00:28:41,175 --> 00:28:44,770
Goodbye, Benjamin, we shall miss you.

427
00:28:46,204 --> 00:28:47,825
I hope you can forgive us.

428
00:28:48,835 --> 00:28:50,035
Of course.

429
00:28:51,122 --> 00:28:53,335
But you know, Auntie Val, sometimes...

430
00:28:55,709 --> 00:28:57,122
..you can't go back.

431
00:28:57,501 --> 00:28:58,701
I know.

432
00:28:59,676 --> 00:29:00,956
I know.

433
00:29:02,555 --> 00:29:04,254
But you can visit.

434
00:29:05,835 --> 00:29:08,635
Yes.
You can visit.

435
00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:40,957
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436
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